Parodies, Parodies, Parodies
by Duck Life
Summary: The title is sort of self-explanatory. This is a collaboration of Twilight parodies. The time frame will change, for instance, one parody might be in New Moon while another is post-Breaking Dawn. It depends. Please R&R!
1. Mr and Mrs Cullen

"Edward," I murmured from the door of our cottage, knowing he could hear me from our bedroom, "I'm going out. Hunting."

"Okay. I'm going to go up to the mansion and bring down my CDs." he whispered back. He sounded odd-relieved that I was leaving. I wondered why.

"Bye, Momma!" called Renesmee. I waved to her and shut the door, silently extracting the flowing black cloak from under my shirt. I slipped it on and ran away…

"Hello, Bella," came Aro's voice from the darkness. I was in the Volturi's Canadian headquarters.

"Evening, Aro," I said gruffly.

"There's a vampire in Lincoln that's causing some trouble," he said in his business tone. "We'll send back-up once you get there. Take the Mercedes." I nodded and left, my black cape trailing behind me.

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**EDWARD'S POV**

I walked quietly through the dark Nebraskan wilderness. I could hear the quiet breathing of the thirsty vampire. As I listened, though I heard something else. It seemed like there was another vampire with him. I listened, but I could only hear his thoughts:

_Shake 'em off, shake 'em off, run, RUN!_

They had heard me.

I chased the vampire, and he was fast. I was faster. But then, as I was about to catch him, another vampire pounced on him. They were a member of the Volturi-I had been told that another "agent" was here. However, looking at them, I received a shock. No! It _couldn't _be… I ran away before I could get a closer look.

When I got home, I was exceedingly nervous. I arrived after Bella, who was sitting stiffly in an armchair. "So," I said, trying to conceal the nervousness, "How many CDs did you bring back?" She stared at me. "Wait, that was my thing!" I muttered to myself. She looked frightened.

"Edward, I have to tell you something," she said, shaking.

"Yes, so do I," I sighed. She opened her mouth, but said nothing. "You know," I murmured, "I have a feeling we'll be okay keeping secrets around here. Are you okay with that, Bella?" I asked, my voice suddenly becoming colder. She nodded silently. "I love you," I reminded her. She nodded again, smiling. It had to be enough for a secret.


	2. Saws

"Edward!" cried Bella. "The gas in this room will kill both of us! You have to cut my leg off!" He grimaced and set down the saw.

"I won't be able to control myself if your blood is in the room!" he yelled. Bella groaned.

"Hold your breath," she muttered, picking up the rusty saw. Edward stared in horror as she held it above her head. Dramatic background music suddenly blared, and the saw stopped, inches from her shin. "Cut it out, Larry," she grumbled. A man in the corner flipped a switch, and the music was gone. In one swipe, Bella hacked off her chained foot. If it were possible, Edward would have fainted. "There!" she said triumphantly, hopping around on one foot. "Your turn, Edward." He glanced at the heavy chain around his right foot.

"I'll stay here," he said, his voice suddenly high. "You go on." Bella frowned and handed him the saw. Wincing, he held it to his calf. Slowly, tentatively, he began to move the saw across his leg. It was just about to break his skin…

"Oh, just snap the flippin' thing off already, Edward!"yelled Bella. He froze and set the saw down.

"I can't." Sad music filled the room. Edward and Bella turned towards the man in the corner.

"CUT IT OUT, LARRY!" they shouted in unison. While Edward was distracted, Bella quickly drew the saw over his white leg and freed him from the chain. He moaned inhumanly.

"Oh, stop being such a baby," said Bella as her stump of a leg bled everywhere. She hauled Edward to his foot and dragged him out. "Quit it," said Bella, "It's not like you needed it. It's just a foot." Edward groaned and collapsed in her arms.


End file.
